It’s time.

I’d often ask myself, “Am I crazy?”

For years I had silently battled crippling anxiety, depression and panic attacks. I dealt with my pain by brushing it off.

At the time when my panic attacks could no longer be ignored, my then husband and I had just finished building a beautiful custom home. We had two healthy children and I had the career of my dreams empowering women and creating art. It was perfect.

I had everything I wanted.

So why did I feel like a prisoner to my own life?

I told myself all the things I should be doing or should be feeling…

“I should just be grateful, get over it and stop complaining.”
“All this worrying must be selfish, I should work harder on being less selfish.”
“These panic attacks are embarrassing, I should pretend everything is fine, keep smiling and be happy.”
“If I tell someone I’m depressed they won’t want to be friends with me. Nobody likes a downer. I should just keep this to myself and only share the good stuff.”
“I should try harder and be a better wife, better mother, better friend, etc.”

As you can imagine, or maybe as you have experienced for yourself,
that inner '“demon dialogue” and “should-ing” myself didn’t work.

For years I had a constant tightness in my chest accompanied by shortness of breath. Honestly, I assumed that years of secondhand smoke from childhood had irreparably damaged my lungs. I figured, well this is it, I better get used to it. I became incredibly sensitive to anything that threatened the quality of my air intake. The slightest scent would trigger an intense light-sensitive and nauseating migraine. I avoided elevators and any tight, crowded or enclosed space. Even a tight hug could send me into a panic-attack.

I was barely breathing and I lived this way for years. I had no idea that all along this was my bodies way of communicating with me.

My body was trying to tell me;

“WAKE UP!

Stop swallowing your feelings.
Stop letting other people decide for you.
Stop asking google for answers to questions that only you know the answers to.
Stop putting your self-worth and happiness into the hands of other people!!”

My body was telling me it’s time.

It was time to start telling myself…

“I’m in control of me.”
“I decide if I’m going to be happy and what will make me happy.”
“I decide that I am worthy and capable.”
“I decide what I want or don’t want.”
“My feelings are valid.”
“I decide who I spend my time and energy on and I choose people who support my authenticity and happiness.”
"I am human and I don’t need to be perfect to be loved.”

It was time I started living on purpose.
It was time I started listening to the subtle cues and metaphors
that have always been both within and all around me.
It was time I found me and that’s exactly what I did.

It’s been an incredible journey.
My life no longer looks like the picture of perfection I thought it would
but it’s real, it’s wild and I am free.

I can breathe now. I can even wear perfume.